The Buffalo Brigade

As elections near yet again, the familiar buffalo brigade is raring to join the original 24 carat UP buffalo, in the race to help prop a friendly government.

The legendary UP buffalo, the one with diamonds and musclemen in equal measure is not alone anymore.

Right in front, clad in a crumpled white saree, from the land of feesh and fut-ball is the bengali buffalo, also called didi buffalo. Raucous, ugly and clumsy, this one specialises in creating roadblocks every time it sees a smooth road. Any time, it sights any inkling of progress or development, within a 500 km radius of its stable, it goes on a "hungaar strike". Just when one would want to say "good riddance", it rises with its characteristic gait, only to lead its entire herd. Protesting, gheraoing, shouting and vandalism is its forte. Most often, its herd is struggling to figure what they are protesting against.

The bengali buffalo has the avowed objective to take us back to the era of bullock carts, hartaals and in general to the 19th century.

Just a step behind, is the rare breed from the land of filter caaffee, sambhar and thahir saadam- the fair madraaasi buf-falo. This one is an english speaking, cultured, SUV travelling buffalo, that loves sarees, handbags, jewellery, sandals and lipstick. The problem is that no matter what it wears, it still looks like a buffalo. Also called the Amma buffalo, unlike others, this one loves progress, as long as it can be credited to her and helps her buy land and more sae-rees. It wears a strange cloak, that folklore suggests is to conceal its very strong body odour. It also protests any acts of development especially those undertaken by other madrasi buffalos of the male and 80 yr plus kind. It cohabitates with other physically similar female buffaloes, amongst other things. This one would like to take india to the 21st century as lonng as yit can be created by har in tamilnadu wonly.

Marching at the back of this brigade is the silent, lazy and the extremely fertile - bihari buffalo, also called the bhow-jee buffallo. This one was originally reared only to help multiply. It usually moos only with its partner around. It specialises in ruling in absentia. It is as opposed to any progress as the bengali buffalo but does not believe in protesting as much. It leaves that job to its hubby. Actually, it does not even bother to aquire any views on anything. It is not sure whether it likes or dislikes anything. Pls understand, that takes just too much effort. Ideally this one would like to have india in the 17th century. Bullock carts and village life would be blissful.

But Leading this brigade is the original italian buffalo. This one after 20 years has finally perfected the art of waving its hands as wipers but is still struggling to speak extempore. Affectionately called "Madam buffalo", this one either looks left or right or to its young ones, when in need of direction. Surprisingly, it pretends to be a reincarnation of Mother india and some other buffalos even believe it. Its objective is to set up factories in distant amethi or raibareilley and never be obstructed by the UP buffaloes. It loves to lead, nevermind, what others think of its origin, accent or intellect. It is rumoured that its other side is that of a wicked, conniving queen that knows how to bow others into meek submission.

Somewhere in between is the fast talking, fast walking, the overly melodramatic hyderabadi buffalo. It would like indians to do " pub bharo andolans" in their spare time as a sign of protesting against radical groups!! In its free time, it is usually found sauntering in the lawns of the Italian buffalo.

It is unfortunate that no matter which buffalo supports whom and which one forms the government, we have to jhaelo these cattle brained creatures for God knows how long. All of them, without exception would like to believe that india is an anarchic cowshed, where they could demonstrate their bovine qualities and multiply unfettered. Their physical and behavioural similarities to the buffalo notwithstanding, how the hell does one transform them into leaders who would fight justifiably for their people - giving them a better life and a better future.
Maybe we should make a beginning by demanding to know their policy, their stated views on india's foreign affairs, their approach on matters of internal security, an approach on how to handle groups like the ram sena or the bajrang dal, on freedom of speech and expression for artists, for women, for pub going people, their views on how to improve infrastructure, public transport, public health, sanitation etc. And how would they manage the budget?

It is one thing to indulge in empty buffalo talk and quite another to make specific and implementable plans for their people. We need leaders, we can look up to. We need an obama here! No buffalo brigade please. Not this time.