No, this aint about the latest film release or cricket match. This is a bollywood inspired, tongue in cheek, dekko at the once in every 5 year charade called Polls.
To enjoy this, you need to sing the songs and graphically imagine what is described...
Poll Dates have been announced. Weary Congressmen are re-doing their poll calculations, knowing that that they stand little chance on their own. Standing outside the pearly gates of 10 Janpath, their light hum is turning into a raucous chorus...
Scene 1 : Congress HQ - Congressmen move to the beat of - "Chal, Chal, Chal mere Haathi, o mere saathi, chal le chal khataara kheench ke, chal yaar dhakka maar..............."
Sonia is however busy. Very Busy. She needs to go on national television with a seemingly improptu speech about Rahul Jee. For this momentous occasion she is memorising "jangal, jangal baat chali hai, pata chala hai, chaddi pehen ke "fool" khila hai, "fool" khila hai.."
(you have to sing this sonia style)
Scene 2 : Sonia knows that to win, she must find allies -like or unlike minded (doesnt matter !). As she glances on the India map, her brows raised and mind in turmoil, out pops Mehbooba Mufti from J&K -
"Kashmir ki kali hoon mein, mujhse na rootho sonia jee, murjha gayi toh phir na khiloongee, kabhi nahin, kabhi nahin, kabhi nahin." This warning is to ostensibly prevent sonia from cosying up to the newest blue eyed baba called Omar.
Sonia decides to reward Mehbooba for her singing skills with a Pre Poll alliance and keeps Omar in the bag for a possible post poll affair as afterall, blue eyed kashmiri baba is her "chaddi fools'" good friend.
Scene 3 : with 1 in her bag, she now turns to UP, where there are two or perhaps more in the bush. She first sets her gaze on "Massakali" - the proverbial pigeon (and my favourite buffalo) amongst politicians - Maya. But Maya is Maya. She is content dancing all by herself as the background music reverberates
" Massakali, o massakali, ud matak-kali, matakkali, zara bam ko jhatak, thodi dhool atak, thoda lachak, machak ke door bhatak, kasbe kooche, gali, nukkad mein poori karle dil kee tamanna, hawa mein ud, itadi se mur, aur ud jaa furr furr"
She doesnt as much as even acknowledge Sonia's presence. Sonia decides to get even and orders the latest CBI case traps to ground this high flying pigeon.
Just as she is doing this, she hears the strains of Mulayam and Amar's voices coming from behind the bushes..
Jaane Jaan, dhoonta phir raha, hoon tumhe raat din, tum kahan,
sonia - mein yahan, tum kahan ? Mujhko awaaz do....
They finally meet. But the meeting is vitriolic. Sonia is clear that she wants more seats. She approaches Raj babbar, Ajit Singh & some disgruntled SP partymen and even wants to open parleys with massakali ...
a bitter Mulayam wails out aloud - "O haseena zulfon waali, jaane jahan, dhoondti hain kaafir ankhen kiska nishan, mehfil-mehfil o shama..phirti ho kahan..."
Sonia -"mein deewana dhoondti hoon..... woh parwana dhoondti hoon"
till news last came in - they were still playing antakshari.
Scene 4 - With the disappointment of UP still plaguing her, Sonia moves on to Bihar - where Lalu waits for her with baited breath. Just as he sights her, he breaks into verse -
"Sau saal pehle, hamein tumse pyaar tha, hamen tumse pyaar tha, aaj bhi hai aur kal bhi rahega". With Lalu and clan jumping on their own into her bag, Sonia finally smiles that elusive smile.
Scene 5 : She wastes no time and hops on to West Bengal where the task is decidedly tougher.
This calls for more than a song. She knows she herself will have to shake a leg.
"Jitne bhi too kar le sitam, Has has ke sahenge ham. Yeh pyaar no hoga kam, mamta teri kasam, ooo sanam teri kasam."
Mamta is many times bitten, but never shy. She understands that if she has to match the Red brigade, she needs some strong Italian shoulders to stand on and that this could be her make or break chance in national politics. She obliges and cajoles Sonia to perform the ultimate item song together in Kolkata - The music begins..
Dola, dola re, dola re, dola re, do, lahi do laavan doh, lai doh..dola."
(this is sonia and mamta in white sarees with red borders, jigging in tandem against a red backdrop in down town Kolkatta)
The heavy duty synchronized choreography of these two virtually shakes up the red bastion for once. They all seem worried, harried and stirred..
But just as that scene is unfolding, Sonia seems to have trouble with her favourite sharad pawar. he seems to have stuck a dostana with some sena types in maharashtra.
Scene 6 : She watches in open mouthed horror as Sharad gyrates to "Maa ka laadla bigad gaya, munda saada doli chad gaya, band baj gaya..."while bal, uddhav and gang join the dance fest as baraatis.... She knows, this dostana can be fatal and needs to be halted NOW.
She pushes a soother down his mouth and before you know it, the scene changes to reveal sonia in her most matronly avataar singing the eternal lullaby-
"sooraj hai too, mera chanda hai too, O meri aankhon ka taara hai too..."
As she drops Sharad in her bag and departs, you see him pop his head out of the bag, and knowingly wink at Bal thakeray, almost saying, i will be back buddy.
Scene 7 : Sonia meanwhile moves to chennai to have "filtar caffee" with her old pal Karunanidhi. Our man rises to the occassion to perform with earnestness - "Hamein Kaale hain to kya hua, dilwaale hain...hum tere tere tere chahne waale hain" . This expected result relaxes sonia. As she congratulates Karuna for his fine dancing skills, the southern spice, the buxom J.Lalitha breaks into an improptu "Mungda" , just outside the door.
"Mungda, Mungda, mein gud ki dali, mangti hai toh aaja sonia, naahi toh mein toh chali.."
hinting that she wd not be averse to tying up with the NDA.
Sonia is no masochist. She is clear that she cant inflict more pain on herself than what Mamta, Sharad and her "partners in the bush" in UP will give her. She ignores the Mungda for now, but promises to watch the spicy show exclusively, post elections.
Scene 8 : The BJP camp in comparison is a a picture of disarray. The party-wallas have pulled out their old warhorse - Advani -and are busy beating it to shape...
"lakdi ki kaathi, kaathi pe ghoda, ghode ki dum pe jo maara hathora, daura, daura, daura ghora...dum daba ke daura"
But everytime they seem to put a nail in his backside, the ghora (war horse) sets off on a tangent - "Mein nikla gaddi (Rath Yatra) leke, o sarak pe, raste mein, ik Ram mandir aaya, mein utthe dil chhod aaya.."
He is incorrigible. He is still talking of ayodhya. His party's record has got stuck on 26/11, though. Most of the earlier allies seem uncomfortable with this ghora.
Scene 9 : Assorted Filmstars have just discovered their love for India and for the country's poor. They are busy reconstructing the lives of their mothers / fathers/Uncles / aunties / brothers / in laws/ Chachas and Chachis to figure where their clan could have spent some weeks and months of their lives and whether contesting from a particular constituency could be termed homecoming and a tribute to their family.
All stars - including Sanjay Dutt, Nagma, Smriti Irani, Shatrughan Sinha, Preity Zinta, Raj Babbar, Jaya Bachhan, Jaya Prada, Azharuddin et-al have been thrown inside a stadium and the politicos have pitched their tents on the ringside. Each camp now does an inspired version of Jai ho to decide who gets whom...
" aaja, aaja jind mere shaamiyane ke tale, aaja zari waale neele aasman ke tale, Jai ho, Jai Ho!"
Scene 10 : The silent era hero emerges now. Prakash Karat who has been inconsipicuous and vague all this while, decides to break his self imposed silence. but just about..
"Mere dil mein aaj kya hai, tu kahe toh main batadoon, teri zulf phir sawaroon, teri maang phir saja doon...."
The only problem is one doesnt know whether he is singing this to Massakali or to Sonia or Mamta.
As the beats get louder, the incentives to join and leave parties are on in full swing. The bizarre scenario is devoid of any agenda, vision or credibility. Its just replete with opportunistic alliances, which we will soon be told are for the better-ment of the country. As the aam junta, we are expected to be blind, dumb & deaf and need to nod our heads vigorously as the cunning gorees, the corrupt chaila's and their hideous and asinine sidekicks deliver their sermons.
For the next 60 days till polling is over, all alliance partners will profess their undying love for each other by performing the ultimate poll dance to climax - "Mahi we, muhabattan sachiyan ne, mangda naseeba kucch hor hai..."
and heap scorn on and trade charges with the opposing parties.
- Soon to start will be Poll dance 2 - the season for new improved promises and slogans. More on that later.
Till then enjoy as they perform, "Koi hamse jeet na paawe, chale chalo, chale chalo, jo aave woh mit jaawe, chale chalo...!
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